My Pain, Their Thrill

Why is it the biggest laughs for my children is when their dad says “OW!” Especially when at their own hands, or feet, or hard plastic toy in their hands! Or the most dangerous and frightful item of all to all men. The solid forehead of a running three year old. What faulty part of design put a three year old’s forehead at groin height? Or is it one of those pack animal, survival of the fittest things? I’m here! There will be no more!

“Ha ha daddy’s rolling on the floor. BODYSLAM!”

My wife is an amazing researcher. If there’s something she wants or needs to know, she will search every avenue until she finds the answers. So while she was pregnant with our first, our house always had at least two or three books laying around covering pregnancy, birth, pain, names, development, etc.

Not one of these books mentioned that once these beautiful little creatures were mobile that you needed shin guards. They also don’t mention that when they get teeth they like to try them out, on anything, including a stationary parent.

And they definitely don’t mention that when they reach the age of 3 that dads should invest in a cricket box (groin protection for cricketers) and always, ALWAYS, have it in place if you are home.

Just maybe these books could mention that kids have ZERO concept of the location of their knees when they jump on your bed to wake you up in the morning. For the life of me, I can not work out how so many people are able to have more than one kid.

I was thinking of releasing a parenting guide book as well and it will be called “PARENTING, THE SHIT BITS!”

There will be a chapter dedicated to teeth, another to groin protection and another chapter called “10 THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH SHIT!” This will cover some lovely examples like throwing, smearing, projectile-ing, filling, decorating. Yes, I have seen all those things.

Now I have been led to believe that this is not an isolated incident, therefore, why isn’t it already in a book? My child (now 9, yes, that’s come as a surprise to me too), went through a faze at about the age of 2, where just after she was tucked into bed at night she would then fill her nappy. Sure, that sounds normal. BUT! Then she would empty her nappy!

Let me say this, those packets of baby wipes you can buy are amazing! If Huggies want to sponsor my blog they can have the first few months for free as thank you for those wipes. They can clean almost anything off almost anything. When little miss Poocasso spread her decorative creations across the carpeted floor, smeared her single coloured masterpieces over the wall and made her mark on several items of furniture and quite a few toys, those wipes took it straight off.

The pillow cases, sheets, doona cover, Dorothy The Dinosaur and a few other things went straight to the laundry trough, scraped, soaked and into the washing machine, but when the battery compartment of a talking Care Bear is filled, sadly neither the wipes or washing machine could save her and it was time for the bin. For the Care Bear, not the kid, although there was a moment of considering. Especially by the end of the second week of this happening nightly.

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